I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
