dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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