I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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