Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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