the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
