If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
