that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
