My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
