Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
