She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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