The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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