True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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