Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
