i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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