Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
my being single is dangerous.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
