Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
