you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
