don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
dude. I can hear the air.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
