I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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