Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Floor bacon is actually really good
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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