How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
