just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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