Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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