do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he puts the penis in happiness.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
