Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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