the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
