I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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