just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
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