Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
This can only be settled by a dance off.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
