I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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