my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
