he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
