I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Randomize
