Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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