well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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