i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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