The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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