I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
