Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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