Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
