Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
COCAINE IS GR8
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
