Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
