all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
