Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I queefed so loud it echoed.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
