If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
