Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
