Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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