Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
