There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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