News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
